In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (with Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day being October 15th), I’m sharing some of the ways we’ve chosen to honor and remember the five babies we’ve lost in the first trimester. After my first miscarriage at 7 weeks, I felt like I wasn’t allowed to grieve after such a short pregnancy and never even getting to see her on an ultrasound. I seriously googled how others felt after their first-trimester pregnancy losses so I could learn how I should feel about mine. The few articles I was able to find helped me immensely, so I’m paying it forward to the mama who lost her baby and needs to know it’s okay to grieve that precious life gone too soon.
We’ve honored our five babies in heaven by choosing a name, Bible verse, and song for each of them. While these are personal to my babies and my story, I hope the songs and verses shared here will encourage you and that this post will give you ideas for naming and otherwise honoring your own baby in heaven. Know that you are not alone in grieving or wanting to honor your baby lost during the first trimester of pregnancy.
Evelynn Jayne | 6/27/2015 | 7 weeks
Evelynn* (Evelyn): “wished-for child; life”
Thought to stem from Gaelic Aibhlinn, meaning “Wished-for child” or “longed-for child.” Also thought to be from the name Eve, meaning “life,” a great name for a miracle baby after infertility as life is exactly what we try so hard to bring into this world!
*We chose the -lynn spelling because my mom’s middle name was Lynn.
Jayne* (Jane): “gift of God”
Another meaningful name for a baby conceived after infertility.
*We chose this spelling because of my nana’s middle name, Jayne.
Evelynn Jayne was the name we chose for a girl long before we ever conceived our first pregnancy. We held onto this name for a while, and our baby remained nameless for years. After we had our two rainbow baby boys, we were unsure whether or not we’d ever be blessed with more children, let alone a little girl. It felt right to give this name to our first baby, whom we felt was a girl because of a dream I had shortly after I miscarried.
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us” Roman 8:18 NIV. (“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us” ESV.)
Casting Crowns, Just Be Held
Danny Gokey, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Danny Gokey, Tell Your Heart to Beat Again (Spanglish w/ lyrics)
Leander James | 8/1/2017 | 4 weeks
Leander: “lion man”
I thought it was a cool detail that Leander, being born into heaven in August, would have had a zodiac sign of Leo (the lion). My husband and I also have a thing for the Lion King with our last name being King, so a first name meaning “lion man” was cool!
James: “supplanter; one who follows”
This is a version of my brother’s name, Jacob, after whom we have considered naming one of our children.
Related: Jesus Named My Baby
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1.
I actually did not have a Bible verse chosen for Leander at the time. I went back and chose one for him after realizing I had a Bible verse for each of my heaven babies except for him. Hebrews 11:1 was one of the verses that inspired Elevation Worship’s “Do It Again,” and its message really resonated with how I felt in the early weeks following my second miscarriage. I hoped so strongly for another living baby. I had seen God bring me a rainbow baby before and was confident without a doubt that I would see him do it again.
Not that I wanted to replace Leander, but unlike my first miscarriage, the weeks after my second miscarriage were filled with hope, worship, and the trust in God’s faithfulness he had already shown in bringing me through my first miscarriage and redeeming my marriage from the near-divorce that followed. I was assured that God would be faithful in bringing me through the heartache of another miscarriage, just as he had done before.
Hebrews 11 goes on to recount many examples of faith and hope from the Bible, including the example of Sarah.
“And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise” Hebrews 11:11.
Elevation Worship, Do It Again
Shiloh Greer | 3/6/2019 | 11 weeks
We needed a gender-neutral name for this baby. God had not revealed the gender of this baby, who we lost at 11 weeks before we could learn the gender by any earthly manner. I knew I wanted a name that meant “peace,” because I was filled with the peace that transcends human understanding throughout my pregnancy limbo, miscarriage, and the weeks immediately afterward. I’d always loved Shiloh and knew immediately that was the right name. Now every time I see the word “peace,” I think of my baby and feel so happy to have had some time with him or her here on earth.
Shiloh is also a place mentioned in the story of Hannah in the Bible, which speaks to me personally as a story of healed infertility. 1 Samuel 1
Greer: “vigilant guardian”
“Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing” Isaiah 40:26 NIV.
My baby is not missing. God knows exactly where my baby is; in the arms of Jesus, forever healed and joyous. God created my baby and knows my baby’s name. All these Truths gave me great comfort after Shiloh’s loss. Stars also make me think of Shiloh.
Chris Tomlin, Home
Sky Drummer | 4/16/2019 | 4 weeks
Sky: “Cloud,” from the Old Norse, scio
Besides always loving the name Sky, it’s yet another gender-neutral name. I love the vision of a clear blue sky but that the name also means “cloud,” which is, of course, connected to life’s “storms” such as infertility and miscarriage as well as sadness, grief. I got the idea while walking 2 miles to meet a friend for dinner on a warm, sunny spring day in April and noticing how blue the sky was. I wondered that day too, How did I go from being the girl curled up on the couch, unable to eat or sleep for weeks after a miscarriage to being the girl who went out to dinner with a friend as it was happening?
We gave Sky a masculine middle name in November after a revelation that he was a boy. When I went to write about Sky one day, I was suddenly and overwhelmingly compelled to use “he” and “his.” It felt so right. Then within the hour, the credits rolled for a new show our 3-year-old was watching, and the voice over actor for the main character– a boy– was named Sky! I knew it was the little nugget of closure I had been hoping for. Since Sky’s due date was Christmas Day, I knew a Christmas-themed due date would be perfect and would help me enjoy the holiday season I was so dreading.
Anthony was all about it. He actually vetoed a couple of my name suggestions, which is how I KNEW he cared. He wanted to be involved in the naming process just as he is in the naming process for our living children. We searched for Christmas-themed baby name lists, and Anthony came across the name Drummer. I hadn’t heard it before but knew it was perfect. Drummer, after the Little Drummer Boy who gave all he had to Baby Jesus. I imagine Sky to literally be a drummer in the sky, whole and happy, worshipping and praising for the rest of eternity. Besides, The Little Drummer Boy is one of my two all-time favorite Christmas songs, and now I had that to look forward to throughout Christmas season of 2019.
Related: Pregnancy after Miscarriage Again
“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief” Psalm 31:9.
Some relative Easter quotes that also spoke to me are, “If the day jesus died was eventually called good, maybe one day our worst days might be called good too,” and “Sunday is coming, but right now, it is Saturday.” Through the Lens Podcast Ep. 13: The Grave
The Death of Jesus (Holy Saturday):
“It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two” Luke 23:44-45.
Plumb, God Help Me
Pentatonix, Little Drummer Boy
Rain | 5/24/2019 | 4 weeks
“Rain; abundant blessings from above”
I had the name Rain in my head for this baby but wasn’t set on it. It was a gender-neutral nature name that went well with Sky, which I thought was cute since they were conceived so close together. Rain is symbolic of the storm of infertility and miscarriage and is closely connected with rainbows: symbols of hope, God’s promises, and sometimes rainbow babies. When I asked my husband if he had any ideas for a name for this baby, I was happily surprised that he took the request seriously and actually tried to come up with something. Within a minute, the name he came up with was Rain. It was settled, then.
It rained the weekend we miscarried this baby, and it rained on that Southern California June weekend when we lost our first baby, giving me a sense that my time with recurrent miscarriage had come full-circle with this fifth miscarriage. Rain (the weather) gets a bad rap but is really something to be thankful for, and I am forever thankful for the few and fleeting days I had with my baby.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” Joshua 1:9 NIV.
Driving home from the store after picking up more pregnancy tests late at night, “Joshua 1:9” popped into my head. I didn’t know what the verse said at the time, but I was terrified of another early miscarriage because the lines on previous HPTs for this pregnancy were so light. I was hoping they’d appear darker on the tests I had just picked up from the store but was terrified they’d be lighter… They were. When I read what Joshua 1:9 said, I knew I didn’t have to be afraid or discouraged and that God would be with me through no matter the outcome. It was exactly what I needed to read at the time.
Read a guest post from Run with Infertility’s Tedi: Contentment, Guilt, Grief, & Delayed Bonding
Bethel Music, Raise a Hallelujah
What would a heaven baby music playlist be without this song? Really, this has kind of been my anthem through the year 2019 as we endure recurrent miscarriage, but I associate it most with this baby. I first heard this song at the Moms in the Making Conference in 2018. You can read about my experience at the conference here and learn more about the conference here.
I learned I was pregnant late on the night of May 19th, 2019. The first song I heard on the radio the morning of May 20th was this song, Raise a Hallelujah. We had not listened to the radio in days, yet when we finally turned it on, this was the first song that played, and it played from the beginning. Even stranger is that we have only ever received K-LOVE radio station at our house, and while the dial on the radio was tuned to K-LOVE as usual, the radio station that came through in its place that day was K-LOVE’s sister station, Air1. This has never happened before or since. K-LOVE and Air1 play similar music, but they have different hosts and playlists. If Air1 hadn’t come through that day, I wouldn’t have heard this song at that moment.
Danny Gokey, Just Haven’t Seen It Yet
This is another song that has carried through this current season of loss. It is the first song I heard played on the radio 5/24/19, the day my fifth miscarriage began. It played from the very beginning as soon as I turned on the radio in the morning.