Although I have beat infertility, I often find that it still impacts my everyday life as a mother and wife. In some ways the impact is negative but I have also found that it has been a positive impact. Anyone who has been through this journey will tell you that the emotions will always be there. The sadness, helplessness, and the guilt.
I often will feel guilty. Especially on those tough days with my son (Logan). The days when I pick him up after work and he is super fussy because he is tired. I find myself feeling frustrated because I’m exhausted too. I also find that I get overwhelmed with guilt. There are so many women out there who want to be in my shoes. I was one of them. I did EVERYTHING to be in these shoes. This often allows me to take a step back and appreciate the moments I have with Logan. It wasn’t long ago that I was dreaming of the day when I would get to come home to my sweet miracle baby.
Let’s talk about those days when I’m asked when we will have baby number two… Those are tough. I still find it pretty ridiculous that people feel the need to ask me this question. It a very personal question and I’m also six months postpartum. So no… I am not trying to occupy my thoughts with another baby at the moment! I also had a cesarean birth. Give me some time to heal! This question often leads my overly anxious mind to thoughts about trying for a second child. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there that does this. At this moment in my life, I just can’t imagine going through that journey again. The constant doctor visits, the fertility medicine (luckily no clomid for me!), and the letdown every month when I would get my period. So you could say I get a little triggered when random people ask me when we are trying for baby number two.
This journey has also created this obsession with living my best life. This means that I’m on a self-love journey as I struggled with a lot of self-hate during the past few years! Infertility might have been the toughest journey I have ever been through, but it has also brought so much awareness to what I put in and on my body. I pay close attention to my nutrition, exercise, and also the products I use on my body. My husband might think I’m going hippie but I don’t care. The toxic chemicals in everyday products can have the potential to cause infertility and I’m not about that!The toxic chemicals in everyday products can have the potential to cause infertility and I’m not about that! Click To Tweet
Infertility broke me completely. I was a mess. The biggest aspect of my life that I feel infertility truly had a positive impact on is my marriage. After experiencing that dark and isolating journey, we have become so STRONG. My husband is my person now more than ever. He was there to lift me up when I wasn’t sure I could get up. He would make me laugh in this moments when I didn’t think I could. He was there when I would have ultrasounds every week (hello Wanda). This man went to ALL but one fertility appointment. I’m forever blessed to have him as my partner. This journey can be so rough on relationships. Seeing how it made us stronger makes my heart so full.
I believe that this journey has made me so strong. A strong woman and an even stronger mother. There is no doubt that it will continue to impact the way I live. How could it not? But I know that God sent me on this journey for a reason. He led me to Logan who is the love of my life.
Amy Marilu is the anxiously natural mom of one sweet baby boy after infertility. You can find her on her blog, Anxiously Natural, or on Instagram, where she talks about safer skin care, coping with anxiety, and life after infertility.
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