A New Name, A New Truth, and a New Hope: Moms in the Making Conference 2019

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moms in the making conference 2019 #estinlove2019 new name new truth new hope #infertility #motherhoodafterinfertility jalina king thissideofif

I couldn’t afford to go.

I bought my ticket at the early bird rate in March after my first of three miscarriages in 2019. It was something to look forward to around the same time of year I would have been due with my baby gone too soon.

In December 2018, when my breastfed baby was almost 8 months old, I felt God calling me to trust in His timing for our next baby. That meant no tracking, no timing, and no Softcups. While that sounded like a great way to reclaim the sex life that 6 years of infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding had ravaged, I didn’t know what all that entailed. More infertility? More miscarriage?

I assumed, given our reproductive history (read our timeline here), that there would be some sort of heartbreak and that by October, I would certainly need the healing power of a God-loving community who just GETS what I’ve been through. So after a shocking, untracked, untimed, 100% natural positive HPT in January and an even more shocking miscarriage in March, I bought my ticket to the 3rd annual Moms in the Making Conference in Dallas, TX.

After another miscarriage in April and yet another in May, I kept my focus on the Lord and the countdown to the faith-based infertility conference. With a FOURTH positive pregnancy test in June followed by two job changes – the second of which seemed promising but resulted in too few hours to sustain our family – and an unexpected $5,000 needed in repairs to our truck, October arrived with no cash, no savings, and no credit. I hadn’t even bought my plane ticket or put aside the $400+ needed to pay for the hotel, and it didn’t look like my husband’s ONE last paycheck before I had to leave was going to cover any of it. Then 18 weeks pregnant with my third rainbow baby, doubt started creeping in that I even deserved to go.

Related:

Miscarriage after Miscarriage

Double Rainbows & Promises: Learning What It Means to Put Hope in God

God provided.

Less than two weeks before the conference, Anthony handed me a piece of mail.

“Do I even want to know what this is?”

“Yes, I think you do.”

I burst into ugly tears as I read a letter explaining that a mistake was made when we bought our house in February. We did, in fact, qualify for an exemption for the VA funding fee, and a refund of $1,420 had already been processed into our bank account. It was MORE than enough to cover all the expenses for the conference as well as the remaining bills for the month.

“So I need you to go ahead and buy your plane ticket tonight.”

Victory

That was the word the Lord placed on my heart for the year 2019. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I hoped it would include victory over infertility and miscarriage. Not only did that hope come to fruition, but the word “victory” repeated over and over at the conference. In the music, in my love letter from God, and even on the worship leader’s beanie. It was a special message from God that yes, he meant for me to be there.

thisideofif jalina king moms in the making conferene #estinlove2019 #infertility #recurrentmiscarriage

“Victory Is Yours” by Bethel Music | Victory:


The victory is Yours
You’re riding on the storm
Your name is unfailing
Though kingdoms rise and fall
Your throne withstands it all
Your name is unshaken

“You Are My Champion” by Bethel Music:


You’re my champion
Giants fall when You stand
Undefeated Every battle You’ve won
I Am who You say I am
You’ve crowned me with confidence
I’m seated in the heavenly places
Undefeated with the one who has conquered it all

Now I can finally see it
You’re teaching me how to receive it
So let all the striving cease
This is my victory
Now I can finally see it
You’re teaching me how to receive it
So let all the striving cease
This is my victory

“See A Victory” by Elevation Worship:


I’m gonna see a victory
I’m gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to you Lord
I’m gonna see a victory
I’m gonna see a victory
For the battle belongs to you Lord

thisideofif jalina king moms in the making conferene #infertility #recurrentmiscarriage #estinlove2019

A new name

The subject of the keynote speech was receiving a new name from God. Where we name ourselves based on our circumstances, God names us by what he sees in us and who he created us to be. We name ourselves from the center of our pain, and God names us out of love with his omniscient view from up above. Where we might name ourselves Infertile or Broken, God names us Mother or Joy.

During a silent moment after the speech, the name Alaya immediately popped into my head. It has never been on any of my baby name lists (although it is beautiful), so I had to look it up. (I think God did that on purpose because he knows how much I’ve loooved looking up baby names since I was 10 years old.) Alaya means “home.”

After some time sitting silently among all the attendees who were also hoping to hear from God about his name for them, it was time for prayer and celebration. Twenty or so prayer warriors lined the foot of the stage, waiting to hear everyone’s new name and pray one-on-one over each individual in celebration and in coming to agreement that chains would be broken.

I felt drawn to one particular member of the prayer team even though I had to pass others to get to her.

“Did you receive a new name,” she asked.

“I heard ‘Alaya,’ and it means ‘home.'”

“Hope. That is a better name.”

She had misheard me. I went along with her prayer with gratitude and an open mind thinking maybe I was the one who had misheard. After her prayer, I felt encouraged but confused. Maybe I was the one who had misheard and my new name was supposed to be Hope. Is that why God had led me to this woman?

Moms in the Making Conference 2019 3 #rainbowbaby #pregnancyafterloss jalina king thissideofif

In true 19-weeks-pregnant fashion, I had to pee. The bathroom at the facility had been reserved for conference attendees, and each stall had a notecard with a scripture verse on it. On the way to the bathroom, I believed that whatever verse was on the back of the stall I was about to choose would confirm which my name was supposed to be. The scipture on the back of the stall door read,

Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. 1 Corinthians 13:7a TPT

“Safe place” was in script. A safe place of shelter. A home.

My name had been misheard. Always the new girl with the unique name Jalina, I was used to having my name misheard. It was like an inside joke from God, and I knew then that I had heard him correctly.

I had just discussed with Anthony the week prior how I’m really good at making a temporary house into a home and how disappointed I was that our dream of having a forever home for our boys hadn’t worked out. Home was a big deal for me. Home seemed right.

I am home. In Jesus, I am home in both my location and my identity. I am Home. A safe place of shelter for my babies. No more miscarriages.

Moms in the Making Conference 2018:

Infertility Survivor’s Guilt – Your Children Are Not Offensive

Jesus Named My Baby

A new truth

The enemy takes facts and twists them into lies, but facts are not Truth. The fact is I’ve had five miscarriages. The lie I’ve come to believe as a result of that fact– the lie I am choosing to no longer believe- is that I can’t have living babies without first having miscarriages. When given a moment of silence to hear God’s Truth on the matter, the phrase “mother of nations” came to mind, as well as a vision of several tall, green trees all lined up in a row.

When we ripped off the bottom section of our cards, titled “The lie I will no longer believe is…” and lined up to take turns throwing them at the foot of the cross, mine flipped face-down! This was a significant observation as I noticed others’ cards had not flipped face-down and because I had actually made a point for mine to land face-up because I guess in my mind, that meant Jesus could read it better.

Moms in the Making 2019 #miscarriage #pregnancyloss jalina king thissideofif

A mother of nations

Not knowing immediately what “mother of nations” meant (I once learned that is one way to tell a thought is from God and not your own), I looked it up in my Bible when I returned home. “Mother of nations” refers to Sarah. While I had read the passage before, I understood it in a new way now. Sarah was healed despite her history (infertlity), diagnosis (postmenopausal), and doubt. I could receive healing despite my history (miscarriage), diagnosis (recurrent pregnancy loss), and doubt.

Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I have this pleasure?” Genesis 18:11-12

God’s will and ways are greater than our past and doubts. His truth is bigger than the facts. With all God had spoken to me, I am believing I am healed.

God healed Sarah.
God healed Anthony.
God healed me.
No more miscarriage.

And if I’m believing I am healed, I have to act healed. In my case, that means no more baby aspirin. I stopped taking it the day after I returned home from the conference. It was a decision I felt convicted to make earlier in the year but just couldn’t bring myself to follow through, despite the lack of a diagnosis of anything that would actually require baby aspirin for treatment. I had put my hope in it. It was an idol. But now I had the confidence to follow through with the decision to stop taking it, and it was liberating. It felt like I was removing the training wheels on which I had been relying far longer than I needed.

I am healed.
No more baby aspirin.
No more miscarriage.

Fitting with the message of the keynote speech, Sarah also received a new name, Sarai, as a sign of God’s promise even though the meaning of her name hadn’t actually changed as with any other name change in the Bible. For me, that highlighted that receiving a new name really was a sign of God’s promise and that my name change was a sign of God’s promises to me.

“It Is So” by Elevation Worship:

By Your stripes, I am healed
With one touch I am made whole
You have spoken, and I know that it is so

It is done

I noticed a recurring theme was that we didn’t have to work for God’s love or healing. It is done. God has gone before us in our battles, and they are already won. The outcome is known, and regardless of the specifics, it is a victory. The price of our healing has been paid. It is done. My human mind still doesn’t fully comprehend what all this means, but I can’t help but notice that all the messages come together into one message: I am a safe place of shelter for my babies. I am healed, and I say no more miscarriages.

It’s funny, of all the songs played during worship, the one verse that was beyond my comprehension at the time– the one verse that didn’t have me going, “Yes! Amen!”– is the one verse I can’t get out of my head.

By your stripes, I am healed
With one word, I am made whole
You have spoken
And I know that it is so

Just to solidify the message, here are more lyrics from the conference playlist song “You Are My Champion” by Bethel Music:

When I lift my voice and shout
Every wall comes crashing down
I have the authority
Jesus has given me

When I open up my mouth
Miracles start breaking out
I have the authority
Jesus has given me

As Moms in the Making Vice President reminded us in her breakthrough session at the conference this year, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit”  Proverbs 18:21.


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